I feel that there is a need to reiterate… that it is a combination of the issues of evolution vs creationism, science vs religion, reason vs faith, the authenticity of the Bible, church history, philosophy, the concept of the Abrahamic God, the many contradictions that lie within the fundamentals of Christianity (and other religions), the diversity of religions, the split within religions, the encounters with friends of different religions, the conflicts brought about by religions, (I could go on and on) that has brought about my deconversion. I say again that my loss of faith is in faith itself. This accumulation of problems has been an agonising process, the issues piling higher and higher until my faith has finally collapsed under their weight. It took many years. I was never that strong a Christian to begin with, and having belonged to the Baptist denomination meant that we were more liberal with our interpretations, and my family is pseudo-Christian at best. I didn’t convert into Christianity. I grew up with it - convent school, Anglican boarding school, did theology, went to church. I just never really took the time to re-examine my faith when I was younger, nor had I been in an environment that encouraged me to think it out… until university. That is the phase of growing up when you try to find out the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

To my theistic friends, I ask you: Will I go to hell? Based on your books, I, as a non-believer, would be condemned to damnation. Think about it. Because I cannot bring myself to put my trust in God. Is God’s love conditional? Is He really an all-loving God? My love for you, for my friends, is not contingent on what your beliefs are. Why should God’s love be so?

Perhaps though, I would dearly love to believe in God. For that assurance, the comfort, the confidence in His love. A loving God. If there is only one God, and there are so many different paths to God, which is the right one? Why Christianity, or Judaism, or Islam, or Bahai? Each theistic religion claims ownership of this one God, claiming that it knows what God wants, and that God is speaking through them to the people. There are so many religious texts, all sacred and proclaimed to be the truth or the Word of God. Why must one (according to Christianity) believe in Jesus as the Son of God, and the Trinity, to be considered a believer? Why are there so many conditions attached? I just find myself unable to respect a God who would give me a brain, then require me not to use it to think for myself lest I lose my faith and trust in Him.

I’m aware that the stance I now take on things are making some of my friends uncomfortable or concerned, as if I might have fallen into New Ageism, or took on a new cult, or something. But I assure you, that is not the way I see it. My beliefs are not any less or more cultist that what all religions potentially are. They are personal. They are sincere, they are genuine.

The purpose of these posts are to serve as a point of information for myself, and for my friends, with whom I cannot bear to be dishonest. I am not trying to undo their good faith onto me, nor intending to undermine (or in other cases, exemplify) the influence of them and their religions on my life, or theirs. This is my own selfish journey; any loss of integrity to be had would be my own.

It is not support that I seek. I am prepared to go forward with none, and to expect none from my family and friends. I merely ask they try to understand and respect my decision, my beliefs, which I am constantly seeking. I only hope that every individual would have the courage to be honest with themselves. The answers lie in us, within us. If you are firm in your faith, then I am happy for you. To all, may peace be with you… the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Here are some good passages that echo my own sentiments. I’ve only found this page today, and by George… what a relief… what a find! These are what I’ve been believing all this while, since young, only that I didn’t understand it as pantheistic then. I just knew I felt an affinity with nature. And I suppose going into the ecology/environmental field makes perfect sense for someone who’s a pantheist! Also, have a glance at these and compare it with the About page that I updated a few days ago. Everything fits.

Revelations

I had the most calm and clear feeling that I belonged to this, that I am part of this universe, not separate but with the universe, of it, one with it.
Denice Leverett

Such vastness, such wildness, such diversity… … For the first time, I was able to gaze with wonder at a hawk circling over the interstate in Ohio - a sight I’d seen hundreds of times before, but it had just never registered as an important sight. Now, every detail of the world took on new meaning. It is a big, beautiful universe out there, and our little tiny corner of it is enough to inspire endless awe. Once when I was hiking, I paused to watch the sunset colors on the view before me…. … I am a pantheist because I believe in the miracle of the universe, I believe that by being the best person I can be - loving, compassionate, inquisitive, seeking justice, being respectful - I am adding what I can to the universe while I am here. When I am gone, I am stardust, and nothing could be better than that.
Rachel Zahnd

I have always felt a spiritual connection to nature. I lived in New Mexico for five years. EVERY TIME I climbed to the top of the mesa I felt like I was in church more than when I was actually in a church! I love rocks and have been a rock worshipper for a long time before I even knew in my heart that I was a pantheist.
Joseph Earle

Loving life

I believe in Heaven on Earth, and that each persons existence is what that person makes of their life here and now. I believe in living this life for the here and now, and not living this life for the hope that I might be given something greater for my worship later on.
Robert Mueller

I am part of the universe. I am privileged to use this body to experience the beauty and wonder of mortal life. I try to live fully, each moment. I’ll live as morally and happily as possible. I don’t know the place of origin or the place of transcendence. It doesn’t matter! Living is the journey, there is no destination.
Ernest Hopkins

Accepting death

At the heart of what I believe is awe and oneness with the universe/ nature/Mother Earth. Just yesterday I was thinking about the not so far off death of my parents and how they view death. Then it came to me that I won’t be afraid, I will become ‘one’ again with all that I revere and love.
Diane Fields

I believe that human nature is simply natural and that it is not ugly or sinful. I believe in evolution and that when I pass away, my body and my life force will return to the earth and join back with the circle of life.
Misty Coulter

I have tremendous peace in the thought that when I die, my elements will be recycled back into the universe. We always have existed, and always will exist in some form.
Terri

I believe that people only subscribe to the other faiths of the world to medicate their fear of death. When I die, I know that my energy will be incorporated into the biosphere. The faintest glimpses of stars on a dark night stir my soul.
Wade Farge

Loving nature

I’ve always described nature as sort of my religion. Because no matter how I feel, I can look at the world around me and find so much meaning. To me, nature is the most beautiful art that can ever be imagined.
Amber Schultz

My most profound and lasting spiritual experiences are centered around nature and my being a part of it. I feel that my heart, sometimes my whole body, is transformed by the beauty I see in the world. It is a physical experience, an opening. I feel that the void that is created by my separation from nature is being filled by the sunshine and rain, the winds and the dirt the feel of my feet on the Earth. It is an experience I am sure others have, but words do no justice to. My soul is transported by the Winds, and my body is comforted and sheltered by the World.
Stephanie Reese

I have a sense of awe at things as diverse as the texture of bark on trees or the image of a solar flare or even the song of a bird. To believe these things exist separately from that which is sacred seems ludicrous.
Lisa Cavanaugh

Caring for the earth

I am a Pantheist because I feel much more spiritual in a park or the woods than I ever have inside a church, with a preacher yelling about why I am going to hell. I recognize that every living thing is made up the same matter. We (as humans) are as much a part of nature as trees and dirt. The Earth provides us with life: without the planet, there would be no human beings, nor anything else. And as quickly as we destroy the planet, we also destroy ourselves.
Laura Haire

I feel the essence of our living planet in my bones. I live, eat and breathe in order to help others know this connection as well, so that we may live in harmony with our planetary home.
Greg Willson

Pantheism isn’t a “cult” religion to me, but a basic understanding of life and the universe. We are all interconnected and me must all learn to respect and get along with each other in order to make the Earth a positive place. My one definable goal in life is to leave the Earth as a more positive place than when I entered it.
Clint Burr Jr

I am strongly involved with creating an better environment, that would involve the depletion of racism, homophobia, classism, sexism, and most other discriminations. I believe we must work to become one with each other and our universe.
Andrea DeSarro

Revering reality

Rather than needing to believe in stories about the world and its creation, I prefer to seek spirituality in the world itself, in what I know, see, feel and experience every day.
C. T.

I used to be a strict Southern Baptist. On my journey, I realized I primarily experienced God in the stability of the trees, the silent beauty of the stars, in another person. I depended less and less on the Bible, and opened myself up to the universe and grew less fearful and more happy.
Jason Clark

Combining reason and spirit

Pantheism is a movement that makes rationalism compatible with an almost mystical sense of awe at the very beauty and reality of our existence. it’s not about answers, it’s not about faith. It is about a rationally inspired profound state of mind that transcends the limits of religion.
Lauren Herosian

Over hundreds or thousands of years traditional religions all have become weighed down with the dogmatic “baggage” of our ancestors, or the irrational world views of times long past. Either way, I cannot honestly approach these systems without compromising reason. Mine is a world of sense, emotion and experience.
Chris Donaldson

Growing up, I was taught a deep respect and reverence for nature. My family belonged to a Christian Church that seemed alien and barren. So, as a young man I began searching the libraries for a philosophy that put in words what I felt growing up among a people who for thousands of years had worshipped nature. I eventually discovered the writings of Spinoza, and realized that what I felt was called Pantheism. That was nearly 30 years ago. In trying to explain to others my religious beliefs, I was branded an Atheist. I resigned myself to that judgement, and have been living all these years thinking I was an Atheist. Now at last I feel I have come home to a philosophy that truly reflects my way of thinking and a group of people who share my beliefs.
Patrick Juneau

During my work as a scientist, I am required to think critically about hypotheses, experiments, and hard data, and I am required to challenge all assumptions. There is simply no room in research for fuzzy explanations and hand waving. When I leave the lab and enter the real world, I find it difficult to turn these faculties off. Thus I am drawn toward a naturalistic world view, saturated by science. When I look into the night sky, I see the fusion reactions of stars and the curved space-time through which the planets and their satellites move. I do not believe the universe was created. Rather, I believe that it is SELF-EXISTING. As such, its very existence is the profoundest of mysteries. Thus, if anything can inspire awe and be called divine, it is the Universe itself. Moreover, the divine is directly accessible to us through our senses. It is these beliefs that make me a pantheist.
Todd Washington

I believe that there is no “supernatural”. All that exists, every phenomenon, explainable or not, is natural because it exists.
Helene Lovenheim

There is no supernatural - the natural is super enough.
Danny Dorroh

Embracing unity

I feel a growing sense of connectedness to others, to the wider community, to the world itself. This isn’t simply a cognitive thing, it’s very deeply emotional, a kind of trust in a unity which embraces everything.
Nick Merleau-Ponty

When I sit and look out to the ocean, I feel a real connection, almost as though the waves and I are one. I feel an energy.
Elaine Amenta

I like philosophy; I love to philosophise. It enables to understand me better, humanity better, and it betters me as a person. It might not have answers to everything, but it polishes the windows through which I think. Sometimes, it affirms my beliefs, and gives me greater happiness, and sometimes, it confuddles and puzzles me further. True - religions do so too but much of what they have to offer goes beyond what the mind can conceive (a limitation which is recognised of philosophy, which is a secular, earthly activity) and therefore they require us to have faith… which brings me to the point about whether or not we believe, and why. For philosophy, there is no need for faith. It is founded on knowledge and experience.

As I engage more in philosophy and science, I am pulled further from God. But then again, because of this struggle with my faith, I am forced to be ever-stronger in my belief and am called back to God once more. And it cycles and repeats. While I was still trying to find out more about the evolution debate, there were questions going ‘does a belief in evolution lead to atheism?’ and that saying ‘God works in His own ways’ is meaningless - all it serves to state is that ‘I don’t know, but I still believe.’ Which is what I’ve been saying all this time. So if I have hesitations about what to believe, do I then doubt God? Since if I do believe in God, I would perhaps pay less heed to what science says. Of course, there are middle ways, like that of theistic evolution which states that God is in charge of the evolution process, but that leaves it with its own questions.

There are more reasons as to why I kept having these… sabbaticals… from my faith. Increasingly I found that I have been living as a Christian more from fear of condemnation and from the hope of the promises of heaven and eternal life rather than from a genuine love of God. It is easy to just give praise to God and thank Him for everything, and pray that He will show me the way. It is easy to submit myself to saying that God has His plans and His reasons. The difficult part is really doing all those from the heart. When called upon to explain and defend my faith, I should be able to do so unwaveringly. When I start doubting even what I say, or I need convincing of the concepts myself, I know that I am faltering. Rather than being afraid of facing these exploitations of weaknesses in my faith, I greatly enjoy these challenges and the clarity such debates can bring me in further accepting or rejecting what I believe.

Religions and other religions, religions and science, religions and philosophy, science and philosophy? Do they really matter? No matter what will come in the end, it will come, despite all our speculations and assumptions and beliefs. Does what we believe in now really affect what our fates will be - whichever one the ‘true’ scenario is? As long as we live a good and righteous life and abide by their [religions'] common teachings. And are happy with it. Unless we fear what is to come, so much so that we are forced to make a choice now and live by it and pray that our choice is the right one. To take a bet. Believing in any religion and God (or being convinced of the lack thereof) takes great faith, but sometimes it requires so much faith that you wonder if you’re being blind in doing so. Isn’t it just blind faith? Isn’t being faithful being blind? I know what I believe, but do I really believe in what I know?

I am inclined to believe that most religions are a manifest of the human mind to want to cling on to the notion that there is something else, some hope, after death. It gives them a sense of security, and a sense of purpose for this current life. It gives them meaning to the universe and their place in it.

Must being righteous always include a) God, and b) his teachings (and regarding his teachings, would there be a difference between intentionally following and unintentionally but still doing nonetheless?) If conscience is so strong in a person… if righteousness, ethics, and morals are so ingrained within a person that even without fear of entering hell or without the hope of salvation and eternal life, a person would still willingly follow this rightful way of living… what then, is the use of religions if there is no need for a religion to lay out the guidelines by which his life should follow? And if how we live this life… is also ultimately to prepare us for the ‘next life’… and here again I ask the question of how important death’ is to us, and if we are able to live this life not knowing what lies beyond.

There are dead-ends in all religions and perhaps the problem with us (or with me) is that there are none I can accept. Yes, I lack faith, that much I’ll say. I think too highly of humans and the human mind in thinking that we can find out and define by ourselves (towards the school of existentialism), even while to this end I acknowledge the impossibility of this task. Needless to say everything will lead to more questions and it’ll never end. I believe it when people say that religion is primarily a search for security and not a search for truth. A religion and its teachings may have you believe that what it says is the truth (or will be the truth), but we all know too well that this is not absolute - it is just what we choose to believe in.

I keep asking questions and seeking answers. But although I am not much closer to the ‘truth’ (or an answer that I can be satisfied with, should there ever be one), am I any less happier through this process? On a personal, conscious level, I know that I am not. If anything, I can say with confidence that I have grown to be a much happier being through this discourse.

Right now, I think I am appeasing no-one. I live a virtuous, moral life, but not out of self-interest (what they call prudence), nor out of fear of the punishment that awaits an immoral life. I believe that it is simply in my nature to be virtuous (to certain extents), even when unwatched by either Man or God. I try to be natural, and to be happy and to want people around me to be happy. My own sense of guilt and conscience is enough to weigh on any wrongdoing I have done.

At this stage, I suppose I should make myself clear - this is not a deconversion from Christianity. I have not just lost faith in Christianity (although there are many aspects of I that I find increasingly difficult to accept, one of which concerns the problem of evil), but in religion. There is a difference… so before anyone tries to convince me - again - that I am refusing the truth, that my heart has been clouded by Satan and whatnot, I say again: I have lost faith in faith, and in the God that has been defined by Man.

So what do I believe in now? I no longer consider myself religious. But that is not to say I do not have a stance, a certain set of beliefs still. If I need to classify or describe it, I suppose a hybrid agnostic pantheistic line of thought would be close. Agnostic for I believe that we cannot be absolutely certain of the existence or non-existence of God or gods. That until we know, it is impossible to know for sure. Pantheism (read sections on Divinity, Creation, Evil, Ethics, Ecology, and Salvation and Immortality) for I do recognise the presence of a divine force, especially when I look at nature and the universe, and at us humans as well, but it may not necessarily be a theistic god. It affirms the spiritual divinity and wholeness of life. ‘For pantheism the notion of “the good life” as a regulative ideal - a telos or end to be strived for - is an aspect of salvation.’ I do have an ‘essentialist conception of happiness’, and am a ‘moral realist’.

One could say that exploring the unknowable is of no use/good to our spiritual health. I have been rethinking what I have been struggling with more clearly, and I think I’m not so much of wondering what’s the real purpose of life, and what purpose is there in the existence of the universe and where’s the beginning and all that. Life goes on and will go on without us knowing, and people can still be happy. All I want to know is that I am doing what I am doing, and believing in what I believe in, for the right reasons. Kind of an existentialist, if you will. Because I want to… because I feel compelled to… because I love it (my life, my beliefs) and all that it represents… and not because I’m afraid of not doing so.

This post has been half a year in the works, a compilation of excerpts from my emails to friends, online conversations, and some of my own, fresh thoughts. It has been a difficult journey up to this point, one beset by countless challenges from all sides, concerned friends and family, debates, emotions, uncertainty and fear. But I’m glad the journey has brought me here. Here… where I feel liberated. I feel free.

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. ~ Helen Keller

Before you embark on any path ask the question, does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it and then you must choose another path. The trouble is that nobody asks the question. And when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart the path is ready to kill him. ~ Carlos Castaneda

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

From a New Scientist supplement:

While crossing the junction as I walked back home from the Museum, I saw this Caucasian man on a street corner, a map in hand, and a suitcase nearby. As I was about to pass him by, our eyes made contact, and he ventured to ask, in a hopeful tone, “Will you show me the way?”

At first, all sorts of religious connotations made their way into my mind (the Way…?), but these silent whispers were brushed away by the immediate need to give the man a decent, down-to-earth answer.

So I replied, somewhat amusedly, “Yes sure, if I know… the way… to… hmm, where’re you heading?”

He was looking for something-Mews, which I had not heard of before. But nonetheless I did help point out where he currently was, and apologised and wished him good luck in locating his destination.

I’m not sure where he hails from. That’s a funny way to ask someone for directions!

But it did make me think, for as it were, I’m kinda a lost sheep at the moment.

Thursday’s policy seminar was not the normal environmental policy- or social responsibility- type speak. It was on something a lot deeper… something more fundamental to the human mind and spirit. It was on “Cultivating Wisdom: a Christian response to climate change”:

Traditional Christian philosophical teaching has separated matter and spirit and privileged the spiritual perspective over the material. Is Christianity just the problem, or can it be part of the solution? Canon Lucy Winkett will reflect on the difference between knowledge and wisdom in the Christian tradition and suggest ways in which religion offers inspiration and the suggestion of a new paradigm.

At the risk of sounding disjointed, these were the main points she raised in her talk…

• In the pre-science world, religions dominated
• It was up to the religions to define the indefinable - love, life, grief, justice, and faith
• With the popularity of philosophical concepts… with Plato and Aristotle – there began a discovery of logic and the power of the human mind
• But it was still up to the religions to address the issues of life and death, to help us address the questions revolving around those matters, or to help us live with the questions themselves
• Wisdom is collective, and cannot be guarded or owned
• Where is the wisdom we’ve lost in knowledge, and where’s the knowledge we’ve lost in information?
• Our engagement with the heavens and the earth is different from before
• The power of human beings to destroy other human beings is a recent phenomena… who is the master?
• Fast progress and growth is all that matters in the modern world – has growth has no purpose other than growth itself?
• In times of great dangers and unknowns, we turned to religions for comfort, for in religions was knowledge and wisdom to be found
• Christians seek the wisdom to heal and be healed
• The Church now saying that pollution of the environment is a sin against God?
• Environmental disasters and changing times
• The concept of the covenant… the covenant made between God, and us, and every living creature that is with us, for all future generations – we are connected to every other living thing
• There lies a bond between the Creator and His creations (Genesis 9:12)… and now we are increasingly being reminded of that bond and the covenant
• A complacent view… that climate change is signalling the end times… if that is what we think, we are ignoring the bond
• Thus environmental protection and good stewardship is tasked upon every good Christian

I'm staring at a sepia photo of some mallards in flight. It's my desktop.

I stare at it a little longer…

It's funny how it slowly turns black-and-white. 

If only most things in the world could be like that.

There's so much grey, so much dirt, so much BS in everything. I can only cuss and laugh at myself.