“While wearing high heeled shoes, a woman’s curves are more pronounced because of the positions of her derriere and chest. She also walks differently, with her hips moving gracefully. High heeled shoes not only make a women look better. She feels sexier wearing them as well. This can be seen in the confidence that is seen in women who wear high heeled shoes. They move with a smooth sexuality that women in flat soled shoes rarely show.”

… so says a website I found. (I was curious. Seriously. Wearing heels make no - physiological and anatomical - sense.)

Far from donning a dainty, elegant gait when heels are worn, I feel more like a baby elephant trying to imitate how penguins walk. (Or should it be trying hard to not imitate how penguins walk?) Occasions that call for a certain attire demand a certain sacrifice. Oh vanity! Thy price is sore calves, strained tendons, and blisters on all four corners of the feet - the two big toes and the two little toes. Womanhood is a tall order, and ‘dressing to impress’ is such a flawed trait of a twisted societal expectation that borders on self-abuse. London’s uneven cobbled streets, fallen leaves that pose a slippery business, puddles of rainwater, the stairs, crowds and occasionally out-of-order escalators, and the mazes of the Tube all make for an advanced endurance course.

Aye, this is the first post dedicated to my job-seeking experience thus far - my first assessment centre at an environmental consultancy - my first job application. It’s been a fun day, meeting all sorts of people (a quarter of the candidates were, coincidentally, from my MSc course!) and thrown into all sorts of stimulating situations, with individual and team-based exercises. Having one too many mugs of tea or coffee over breaktimes, sipping politely while engaging in talks of sustainable development, or general, harmless conversations of a more personal nature. I really wouldn’t have minded more of these assessment centres, if it were not for the anxious waiting-for-the-outcomes that follow (okay, and if it were not for the dressing up bits as well).

Right now I’m deciding between bursting my uber-large blister with a semi-sterile needle, or letting it get squished and pop on its own on Wednesday. It’s inevitable - a degree of ignorance for my personal welfare will be required again. Wednesday might just make or break my prospects of a career with this firm.

Graduation is such a joyous occasion - even though I did not attend as a graduand, I felt truly happy for my friends who were graduating. So many years of hard work… and finally the day has come. With everybody together in the house, families and all, it’s difficult not to feel the excitement. My heartiest congratulations to all…

It’s odd… 5.30am, and I’m still fully awake. I’m not sure if it’s those cups of Chinese tea I had, or if it was that latte in the late afternoon. In any case, it’s one of the rarer cases of “I really couldn’t sleep”. Usually plugging into my iPod helps, but not this time.

It’s not like I’m disturbed, distressed, sentimental, inwardly emotional, or in one of those classic staring-at-the-ceiling situations…

My mind is calm. So calm, and at peace, that in fact I’ve managed to garner the best of my chi and actually had to exert a bit of strength in suppressing that ball of energy between my palms.

These few days, it’s hard to fall asleep.

If I were to give a reason… I think it’s that all of a sudden, I’m left with no targets to meet. That thesis and MSc was the last, and final goalpost I had down on my journey planner. As for the next bits… I’ve yet to chart them out - their priorities, and the where, when, what and how. Right now, it’s like… whoa… I’m free. Too free. There are certain projects and tasks I would like to get started on, and start on them I will, real soon. But those aside, on a personal level, I think it’s time for some deep cleansing and refreshening. It’s time to moult into the next instar, and it’s up to me to decide on the form it’ll take.

And just a thought…

I once blogged that “you’d wish there was a Ctrl+Z undo button in life. If not for yourself, then at least for the others.”

Which, now, on second thoughts, I’d rather not there be an ‘undo’ option. This way, every thought, every action, every decision, and every moment, would be so much more precious. And life would be more beautiful too, for what life is.

At first I thought I had to DHL (or FedEx, or whichever else has the cheapest, quickest service) my thesis over before the actual deadline. So I pushed myself to complete my report by Friday.

Well, last night I received an email from the department informing me that the physical copy could arrive a few days late - more importantly was ensuring that my softcopy was uploaded on time.

Oh!

Yay!

It’s for the better, since I have been hit by a sudden block of -minor- inspiration. Or maybe it was ‘cos a friend said ‘may the muse be with you’. The Force was strong with that one!

Spewing out words at the rate of 2 000 words per day makes me constantly hungry…

I don’t know what to say. Not in a bad way, though.

I find that the more I engage in finding out about CSR in the region… the more people I speak to - both young and old, student or CEO - and the more views I gather from all around, the more difficult it is to come to any solid conclusions for my thesis. Maybe the real conclusion is that there simply is no simple conclusion. I thought I was close, but after every interview or chat, my thoughts have been going in circles (or spaghetti-style). I was thinking that perhaps that is the very nature of CSR… that it cannot be explored in too scholarly a manner. The subject is so broad, so relative, so unique in that it cannot be pinned down either in its actual definition, or the way it is practised. Even if my resulting thesis is to sound less academically-thorough than what may be expected, I am glad to say I have gained a lot from this process.

But thesising aside…

I am glad I went for the Forum. Nevermind that I am now stuck in Singapore, with all flights to London fully-booked till some time into September.

I’ve met people from all over Asia, making many new friends, and I’ve enjoyed learning from others just as I took pleasure in sharing my own thoughts and experiences. I guess I like meeting new people, once in a while.

But once again this has thrown me off course as to what I intend to do in the future. PhD? Work? Both? For how much longer in London should I stay before I return and commit myself to Singapore, or Hong Kong, and the region? I feel compelled to settle down in Singapore now amidst all the excitement and the rapid growth of sustainability concerns in Asia, but at the same time I am loathe to let go of the life, the opportunities, and the freedom I have in London.

So many people inspire me. Their aspirations, their youth, the things they did, they things they would do. Some are slightly older, whom I’d come to look on as mentors, and some are younger, whom I’d try to encourage. Many of us share the same sentiments, the only difference being that they took real action to do something and continued with their efforts, whereas I just tried taking action and let go of things too easily when I had to move on. NEST, APYEN, Proact, just to name a few. This may be the digital age but it’s difficult to hang on to something where I’m not physically there. I don’t know if it can be done, but I am willing to try again. See a niche, fill a niche, or so they say.

The one thing I take comfort in, no matter where I go… unbounded by geographical boundaries, no matter what I do or how I go about doing it, I have a sense of purpose… indeed from my early teens I have been directed by this same sense of purpose, and that’s what makes me happy, for

Service to a just cause rewards the worker with more real happiness and satisfaction than any other venture of life. ~ Carrie Chapman Catt

I guess that’s why I love volunteering so much, or the scouts, and also that’s what’s special about CSR that draws me to it, for it allows me to combine both proper work and environmental and social justice issues, and

Never before has man had such a great capacity to control his own environment, to end hunger, poverty and disease, to banish illiteracy and human misery. We have the power to make the best generation of mankind in the history of the world. ~ President John F. Kennedy

I like to believe that I belong to that generation, or even if I don’t, then at least I am helping to build it.

When my MSN auto-replies, it usually means what it says. Unless I have 1) just gotten online and have not had the chance to re-set my status, or 2) fallen asleep in front of my laptop, which is a rare occurrence.

But what I mean by I ‘can’t get out’ is not that.

I have even been writing my thesis in my dreams. It’s of a different topic (usually the theme is unknown), but still…

I think that’s a bit extreme.