Learning to fly

It is not an easy decision for a youngster to leave home to study overseas. There are so many unanswered questions, so many imagined scenarios, so many unforseen worries… but once a brave young soul decides to take that flight across the continents, his whole life undergoes a change so big it can be numbing. It will be a major turning point in his life, if not the turning point. Everything changes. Not everyone can take it at the first go… some will find it much harder to adjust and adapt than others.

Some people say that homesickness is something that you will never be totally used to. To get used to something… you will need time, and indeed time is the best cure for homesickness. I do believe it can be overcome, but only with time and strength of mind. Not everyone is made out for a living away from home at a young age.

Homesickness is more often than not caused by culture shock, and culture shock, like most other occurrences, comes in stages. No matter how much we prepare ourselves, we will feels its effects, and go through what the experts call the four main stages of intercultural adjustment. Not that we’re each one black-haired chap in a sea of Brits… we hang out with our own people, within our own comfort zones (most of use do anyway), but this isn’t what we know home to be. Nothing’s familiar anymore.

First there’s the enthusiasm phase, when you’re all feeling excited and adventurous, and expectant of new people… and new things. You want to try doing this and that, meeting new faces everywhere, and *try* to mix with the local students. You are naturally curious about anything that’s alien to us. People seem friendlier, all out to help you, and life seems promising. You plan and chart your course and feel satisfied with yourself. You feel ambitious, and a whole world of possibilities has opened its doors.

As fascination wears off, and daily life becomes more mundane and you’re settling into a steady pace, that’s when there’s a period of confusion and loss and apprehension. You start to miss the home-cooked meals, the familiar people and surroundings, and the routines which you were so used to back home. Work from studies starts piling up… there are more deadlines to meet… concepts may suddenly become more difficult to grasp and you may start to wonder if you can make it through to the end. Trivial problems will start to bug you more… when you’re stressed, discouraged, unmotivated and homesick… you snap at little things and thereafter may wonder why you did that. You enter a stage where you learn more about yourself… and reflect upon times pass and question if you being here taking in new experiences is really worth everything that you’re going through, and if it’s worth what you’re missing back home… all those ‘what ifs’ scenarios run through your mind… you just can’t help but wonder. You tell yourself that it’s not regret you’re feeling, but just… evaluating your current position and weighing the outcomes.

More time passes. You gain a greater understanding of… everything, and you vow to be a stronger you.

You try to adjust and accept things that come by your way. You learn not to expect. There’s more of a stoic resignation in the things you do. If you’re involved in a club or society, or engage in some form of sports, you might be wanting to play a bigger role… just so that you have somewhere else to concentrate your energy on. You pick a few activities to pursue, or otherwise you just try to find some quiet time to yourself when you can clear your mind of thoughts and just focus on the present. Be blank for a while. Chill. By this time you should have found your cliques of friends… and you go around visiting their rooms and halls and apartments and start doing some crazy stuff. A common bond is formed… you feel you belong somewhere… and it feels good and warm. You’re having fun.

There’s no telling how many times those stages will cycle before one finally gets used to it… it can occur over and over again, every time a new terms starts or when a significant event brings about a ‘backward’ leap.

I suppose many of us globetrotting-types face this problem. We have lived in so many places, have called so many places home (in the loose sense of the word), and we don’t know where we should say we come from anymore, since everywhere we go feels just about as familiar and alien at the same time. Even home can appear foreign after not having lived there for such a long period of time… in a joke which is called the reverse culture shock. I proudly declare that I’m Singaporean, but yet, am I truly Singaporean? I don’t naturally speak like one, much less think like one or act like one, or at least I don’t think I do. I still can get quite lost when conversing with Singaporeans, what with all the Singlish and Hokkien and all. Identity crisis? By citizenship I am a Singaporean, by birth, culture and perhaps in ideals I am a Hong Konger, by accent and by habits I am a Sydneysider, and by fact of residence I am a Londoner.

This is what we call international citizenship. It’s an honour, and it’s tough.

For me personally… I believe it took about 4 years to learn and adapt… long enough. Now I don’t think about such things… not much, anyway, and I must say I am guilty of not feeling homesick anymore… I may miss home and all, from time to time, but it no longer effects me as much. Sometimes despite my age, I feel so old. ‘Cos… it’s like I’ve been through so much, and when I speak of feelings it’s like a ‘been there, done that’ sentiment. Like an undersized ruffled owl with the appearance of a fledging.

I can identify in a number of my friends… second-years and freshers alike… the stage at which the initial enthusiasm of living overseas is dying off and the mundane reality sets in. For some… the fast-pacers who might have already gotten used to life here in London, a second wave of homesickness may have been spurred on by what their peers are feeling, and the close proximity of the Easter holidays… and the thought of going home. Talks have been straying towards their favourite local dishes from back home… places to hang out… and for guys, the army almost always finds a place in conversations, be it flaking about their subordinates or officers or sharing ghost stories.

Sure you can share worries and concerns with family and close friends and half the burden, but you know that you are able to carry the load yourself if you had to, without breaking down. All the complexities of human relationships come into play, and you learn to handle them through time. That the world’s a stage, that people are all rather selfish creatures, actually, and that man generally is not to be trusted but the certain trustworthy few you are lucky enough to discover will become the closest 'brothers and sisters' you will come to have… that not everything’s out to get you although it may seem like that sometimes, that you have to be crafty, diplomatic, shrewd, alert, perceptive, proactive, calculative, and yet sincere and warm in all your dealings with others, that life is not easy but how much you get out of it really depends on how well you can manage yourself. There comes times when you will be forced to pause and reflect on your self-worth, and who you truly are - have we lost ourselves while growing up?

Independence, and the maturity of thought that comes with it, does not come easily. Sure, doing (and in some cases learning to do) everything by myself – from the simple tasks of making my own bed or laundry, or cooking, or settling bills, or sorting out housing issues, and the other day-to-day activities of life – is no big deal and requires no big effort. But the personal growth… and experience… of doing all those things and living a life completely away from home and all its comforts… is tremendous. Psychological independence is truly gained not when you are able to survive without a doting family by your side, but when you know that you can fully rely only on yourself for everything. When you are self-sufficient. When you are in total control of your thoughts, behaviour, and will. Nothing much on the outset can influence you… not unless you allow it to. For the religious, this includes being steadfast to your faith… and knowing and acknowledging that your strength comes from God…

Downs, depression and burdens of a physical and mental nature come by every so often; they are a part and parcel of life. Everybody goes through them, but some emerge unshaken, with lessons learnt and a stronger character built, and some fall prey to its snares more easily and find it difficult to pick themselves up again. It’s how you will yourself to tackle them that makes the difference.

It’s a trial of the mind… the impressions of change is a double-edged sword.

posted by Husky @ 3/04/2005 03:02:00 PM  |